You Know What You Did . . .

It’s been a while since I’ve gone on a good rant.

Below is a list of people who have been getting my goat lately. (You know, as far as figures of speech go, this one’s pretty inaccurate, at least as it applies to me. I don’t want a goat, so if I had one, and someone came and got it, I would actually be quite pleased.)

Without further ado:

1. People in line at the coffee shop. You know what? They already have a menu, and you don’t need to stand there and create a ½ this, ¼ that, double this, triple that so everyone can see the exacting standards you live your life under. If you don’t like the menu, go somewhere else. When they put a drink called Pompous Assuccino on the menu, then you can order whatever you want. Until then, order any one of the other thirty menu offerings and quietly step aside.

2. People at a four-way stop intersection. It never fails. When I have the right-of-way, everyone else tries to go. And when I don’t have it, we all sit there and admire each other’s cars. So, as a public service, I am going to spell this out in simple chapter and verse. At a four-way stop intersection, yield to the driver on the right if you reach the intersection at the same time as another vehicle, and yield to any vehicle that reaches the intersection before you. There it is. Now you can get through that intersection quicker and get back to what's really important - that text message you were writing before you had to stop.

3. People with Bluetooth earpieces. I can appreciate the usefulness of Bluetooth technology. It increases productivity in the business community, and it increases traffic safety for those who insist on using their cell phone while driving. However, I don’t think it offers much at the movie theater on Friday night. Honestly – if you are so vitally important to the function of society that you can’t leave it in the car for a couple of hours, then maybe you shouldn’t be at the movies. I guess it helps when ordering a Pompous Assuccino, though, because the two seem to go hand-in-hand.

4. People who won’t pay at the pump. Face it – gas is liquid gold and you can’t buy it anymore without paying up front. On occasion, I like to get a cup of coffee after I fill the tank, and nothing makes me happier than standing there and waiting while you explain to the cashier that you gave the OTHER cashier a $20 bill to pre-pay on pump #4, but you only pumped $18.74, and now you need your $1.26 in change, and now that you’ve seen me and my steaming cup of coffee, it looks really good to you, so you take the $1.26 and get yourself a cup of coffee, and get in line AGAIN to piss off someone else. It’s a vicious cycle, and like Erasure said, it doesn’t have to be like that. A simple debit card will, in all likelihood, save you from a well-deserved beating somewhere down the road.

5. People with $54.90 in returnable bottles/cans. Really – I love standing behind you with my 30 cans while you pump your 549 through the machine. And since you only rinsed out six of them, I also enjoy walking through the sticky remainder that is oozing out of the two black lawn & leaf size bags in your cart. I also love eavesdropping on your Bluetooth cell phone conversation, which is apparently more important than recycling, as evidenced by the dramatic pause of you holding the can to the point where it’s actually inside the machine, but not letting it go until it’s your turn to talk again.

6. People who empty the communal coffee pot and sneak away. My new(er) job prevents me from doing this, but back in my days at the trash hauling company, whenever I would find an empty coffee pot, I would take it and walk around the building with it until I found someone with a full cup, and then I would hand it to them and thank them for not making any coffee. It worked every time. I have more respect for the guy who walks in, sees an ALMOST empty pot, sets his empty cup down next to the pot, as if to say “Make me some coffee, bitch!” and then comes back later. However, karma steps in, and when I see that cup in the holding pattern, I empty the pot and sneak away.

7. U-SCAN checkouts. I was in a Meijer store recently (yes, I name them by name) that I hadn’t been to in quite some time. When I went to check out, EVERY lane was a U-SCAN lane. I had produce, man – nobody needs that kind of pressure. I put the onion on the scale, and I punched all the buttons to get me to the onion screen. I didn’t know if the onion I grabbed was a sweet onion, a cooking onion, or if it was small, medium, or large, and apparently, that’s key information. So I went with medium cooking onion, all the while waiting for the U-SCAN Overlord to walk over and tell me it was indeed a large sweet onion and that I was being detained until security could come back and ask me a few questions. My question to them, in between blows, would be “How come I have to look at 15 pictures of onions and make a judgment call that you obviously aren’t happy with when there is a sticker on this one with a four digit code on it?”

In any event, don’t be that guy.

I’m out-
KWass